The Unforgiven
by Lockhart
Summary: How Abby's life could have changed upside down when paying someone a visit after her troubles in 'Brothers And Sisters'
1. In My Place

The Unforgiven  
  
* Chapter 1 *  
  
In My Place  
  
In my place, in my place  
  
Were lines that I couldn't change  
  
I was lost, oh yeah  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any of the characters, so please don't sue me. This is going to be a long fic, hopefully interesting to read concerning the tangled life of Abby and her relationships with Luka, Carter and a host of others. It's very angsty and goes into in a lot of depth to the main charcters lifes, problems, choices etc. Spoilers for season 8 and 9. Takes place at the scene in Brothers And Sisters where Abby is awoke in her apartment. Enjoy, feedback very much welcome!!  
  
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The loud crash from the apartment directly above awoke Abby Lockhart with a startle. Jumping up quickly, the nurse sat perfectly still in her bed for countless minutes. The only sound that could be heard in the still darkness of the bedroom was her heavy, frantic breathing. She ran a hand through her tangled hair and threw her legs over the side of the bed in one, quick motion. Grabbing her cosy, grey sweater and pulling it over her head, she walked barefoot across the sitting room towards the apartment door. The many gold locks glistened in the darkness as the familiar sense of nausea passed over her whilst running a hand across them.  
  
I'm safe, she told herself before slumping down to the ground, her back pressed against the door. He's gone, Brian's not here anymore. He can't possibly hurt me now.  
  
Abby stifled a laugh at the mess which had become her life. Every night she lay awake in the fear. Fear of Brian returning, fear of her mother forgetting to take her medication, fear of losing the will to live. She had long stopped pretending that she had a firm grasp on her life. Abby Lockhart in control? Yeh right, good one. Perhaps that was one of the reasons she began drinking again, to finally have the ability to make a decision based on her own choice. Nobody was forcing her to drink, it wasn't by chance or circumstance, it was her decision. Her choice. And it sure as hell felt good to have that control. Or maybe alcohol simply helped her forget about all the pain and misery that had become her life. Making her way back across the sitting room, Abby collapsed in a heap upin the dark, leather couch and reached for a nearby bottle of wine, consuming the small amount left in one swallow.  
  
I don't need any help  
  
Yes Carter I don't need any help, especially not yours, she reflected on their earlier conversation, draping a thick blanket over her shoulders. Sometimes she swore she could strangle John with her bare hands given half the chance. Who the hell did he think he was exactly? Prince Charming, ready to swoop in and save the day?  
  
I don't want to be rescued, I don't need to be saved  
  
Those words were certainly true. She didn't need anybody's help anymore. For as long as she could remember Abby had looked after herself, why change now? Why did John suddenly feel the need to stick his nose into her life now? They weren'tlovers, hell they weren't even friends anymore. That ended on the night he cruelly rejected her. Oh the humillation of pouring her heart out to him only to be given the cold shoulder. The female nurse had always believed she could turn to the male doctor in times of trouble but now she had nobody. Abigail Lockhart was officially alone.  
  
Throwing the empty, clear wine bottle to the ground, it cracked upon imapct with the hard flooring. Stumbling towards the kitchen, she ignored the broken shards of glass at her feet and searched the cupboards for her much desired bottle of vodka. Pouring herself out a rather generous measure, the former med-student settled herself back down on the couch and picked up the phone, contemplating whether or not to phone him. It was true that she missed Carter's friendship. Someone to talk problems over with, grab a coffee with, share a joke or two with...... But Abby was too proud and stubborn to admit to John that she had problems in fear of making herself vulnerable again. Vulnerable to his rejection. The nurse pondered on whether to phone Susan but she didn't wish to burden a woman she had only known for five minutes with all her problems. Grabbing the large glass and consuming the remaining amount of alcohol, Abby snatched her leather coat and headed out of her apartment. She knew exactly where to go. She knew exactly who to go to.  
  
Author's Notes: So who is Abby heading out to see? Will they help her, what will happen? Will she ever sort out her life? Will she ever work out her problems with Carter? Do you want me to continue or not? If so please say, feedback very much welcome!! 


	2. Crawling In The Dark

The Unforgiven  
  
* Chapter 2 *  
  
Crawling In The Dark  
  
And I wish I could know if the directions that I take  
  
And all the choices that I make won't end up all for nothing  
  
Show me what it's for  
  
Make me understand it  
  
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer  
  
Disclaimer: A very big thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, thanks for the encouraging feedback!! Don't own ER or any of the characters, enjoy chapter 2!!  
  
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Abby raised her fist and knocked upon the grand, wooden door three times. A shuffle of footsteps could be heard from inside as the door was unlocked and swung wide open. "Abby" the thick Croatian accent greeted her immediately, the warm and friendly tone raising a smile to her face. "Please some in" he motioned her to enter. "I didn't know where else to go" she shrugged her shoulders in a calm, casual manner, refusing to meet his eye as she threw her hands into the pockets of her thick coat. "Has something happened?" Luka's tone of voice sounded grave and serious. "Did Brian come back?" "No, no it's nothing like that" she shook her head in reply, brushing a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Allow me" he smiled, reaching over to tuck away another stray strand of hair. "You can talk to me Abby" the medic spoke seriously as he placed his hands tenderly upon her tiny shoulders. "I still care about you" "I see you still have the fishtank" Abby laughed nervously, completely changing the subject as she strode towards the large aquarium. "You're changing the........" "You should think about buying a few more fish. The tank seems awfully large for just three" "Talk to me Abby" the Croatian doctor stood beside her and touched her arm lovingly. "You came here for a reason. Let me help if I can" "My life's a friggin' mess" the nurse snorted bitterly, taking a seat upon the nearby couch as he fetched them both a glass of brandy. "That's not true" he shook his head in disagreement, handing her the small glass. "Here, the brandy will warm you up, you look frozen to death" "Thank you" she accepted the drink gratefully, sipping the sweet alcohol before reaching into her coat pocket to produce a packet of cigarettes. Alcohol and cigarettes, a deadly but addictive combination. "You don't mind if I smoke do you?" "Bad for your health" Luka grinned cheekily as she laughed aloud at his lame joke. "I'll take that as a yes" she proceeded to light the cigarette and raise it to her lips, inhaling the sweet nicotine as he leaned back on the couch. "We don't have to talk about him if you don't want to?" "Talk about who?" she narrowed her eyes in confusion. "Carter" Abby laughed bitterly as she could feel her anger and resentment towards that name flowing through every vein in her body. Why was everything about him? Everyone assumed any problem of hers involved him. Carter this, Carter that. She was sick fed up with the way everything came back to that one person, John bloody Carter. "I don't have a problem with Carter" she lied through her teeth, raising the cigarette to her mouth once more. "You both seemed pretty angry with each other today" Luka replied, noticing how she refused to look him in the eye whilst speaking. "Abby he thinks you have a drinking problem" "I don't have a drinking problem Luka!" the nurse spat back angrily, quickly consuming the remaining few drops of alcohol in her glass before slamming it down loudly upon the coffee table in front of her. "I came here because I thought I could talk to you as a friend, not recieve a lecture like John" "Abby I'm sorry" he reached over and took hold of her hand, tenderly stroking the soft flesh. "I'm just worried about you, that's all" "You don't have to worry though, I'm fine. Carter seems to get a kick out of sticking his nose into my business, that's the problem" "You're a big girl now, you're capable of looking after yourself" "Exactly!" the woman threw her hands in the air in total agreement. "Why can't John see that? I like the occasional drink, so what? It's not a big deal. Just because I enjoy a beer every now and then doesn't mean I'm going to spiral into alcoholism again" "If you do ever find yourself in trouble though......I'm here for you" Luka spoke quietly and soothingly, resting a hand on her shoulder as a small gesture of comfort. "I know" Abby smiled, gazing straight into the male doctor's eyes as she spoke. "And I am grateful. I'm sorry if I ever hut you Luka, I didn't mean to. You were always so kind and I.........." "Abby you don't have to explain yourself" he interrupted and shook his head. "It's all in the past now" "But I want to explain" she protested. "Do you ever wonder what life might have been like if we had never split up?" the nurse inquired, the effects of alcohol clearly clouding her better judgement. "Sometimes" he answered truthfully. "I just want you to be happy though" "I was happy with you" "Abby........." "Do you ever wish we had never broken up?" she continued with her barraige of questions. "Because sometimes I wish I was still with you" Luka placed both of his hands on her rosy cheeks and leaned forward to plant a kiss on her pale lips. "I've never stopped loving you Abby, and that's the truth" At the sound of those words, all common sense seemingly disappeared from Abigail Lockhart's brain as the young nurse returned the Croatian doctor's tender kiss..........  
  
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Author's Notes: So, what will happen after Abby and Luka's kiss? What reprecussions lie in store for the pair? Have they both made a mistake they'll later regret? Will Carter find out? Do you want another chapter? If so tell me, feedback greatly appreciated!! 


	3. Alone I Break

The Unforgiven  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Alone I Break  
  
Now I see the times they change  
  
Leaving us, it seems so strange  
  
I am hoping I can find  
  
Where to leave my hurt behind  
  
( Alone I Break, by KoRn )  
  
Raindrop after raindrop collided violently against the grand bedroom window as the bitter wind whistled through the dark skies outside. A fierce rumble of thunder rang loudly through the apartment, waking Abby Lockhart with a startle. Forcing her eyes open, she caught glance of the man lying fast asleep beside her and shot upright. Luka. It was Luka lying next to her.  
  
Oh christ, she shook her head in confusion, realising the mistake she had made by deciding to visit the man that night. She had came round for some comfort and advice, not to sleep with him. Piecing together the events of the night before proved to be a difficult task. It all seemed like a blur ro the female nurse. Alcohol certainly played a part in the situation though. And vast amounts of it.  
  
Abby ran a single hand through her greasy, tangled hair whilst sitting perfectly still in the eerie darkness, listening to the gentle sounds of Luka's breathing. What on earth had possessed her to sleep with him? It was the worst mistake she could ever have made. This drunken one night stand simply brought to the surface all the history between the pair. the history Abby had tried her very best to forget. What if Luka took this as a reason for giving their relationship a second chance? What would she do then? Break his heart or her own? As the nurse sighed in anguish, a flash of lightening brightly lit up the dark sky and the small room.  
  
"Bloody weather" she cursed quietly, carefully sliding out the bed. Stealthily creeping around in the darkness, she gathered her various garments of clothing and dressed quickly. Taking one last lingering glance at the sleeping medic, she exited the bedroom and finally the apartment. Sprinting down a short flight of stairs as fast as her legs could carry her, a cold blast of air greeted her as she ran out into the scarcely lit street. Wrapping her arms tightly around her thin body, she paid no attention to the heavy, icy rain beating down upon her head and shoulders and soaking her body through and through. Images of Luka's face preyed on Abby's mind as she tried to make sense out of earlier events. Why did she sleep with him. Why? They had parted ways almost a year ago, their relationship had simply never worked out. She could still clearly remember the little, daily arguments, the frequent, ackward silences........ They had both moved on since then, or so Abby had thought.  
  
Walking down the seemingly never-ending sidewalk, Abby couldn't remember a time when she had felt so cheap and ashamed as she did now. Despite not loving Luka anymore, she had purposely sought him out for the comfort she had much craved. Last night she wanted to be held and loved, and knowing Luka would always be there for her she cruelly used him. Sometimes the former medical student truly hated herself. If only there was some way to correct the vast amount of mistakes she had recently made. It was what her life had become now, one mistake after the other.  
  
Finally arriving at her own apartment, Abby collapsed in a heap upon her couch, wallowing in her own misery and self-pity. Her mind was numb with confusion as she tried unsuccessfully to hold back the tears that were forming at the corners of her eyes. Turning to her left, a flashing red dot caught the woman's attention as she reached over to press the large button titled 'play' on her answering machine.  
  
"You have one new message" it spoke before a male voice echoed clearly through the room.  
  
"Hey Abby, it's John. We need to talk......................"  
  
Author's Notes: So, what lies in store for Abby after her recent fling with Luka? Will she ever fix the mistakes in her life? What will Luka's reaction be? Will Carter find out? Oh and what does he wish to talk to her about? Do you want another chapter? Tell me, reviews are greatefully accepted!!! 


	4. Blind

The Unforgiven  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Blind  
  
Where is time taking me  
  
Nothing is real, this is how I feel  
  
And nothing is wrong but everything takes too long  
  
How did this end up me against you  
  
(Blind, by Train)  
  
  
  
Abby paced nervously around the ambulance, glancing up at the grey sky above whilst raising the cigarette she clutched tightly between her fingers to her mouth. A cool breeze blew through her thin, lavender scrubs as she shifted her weight from foot to foot.  
  
"Nasty habit" a male voice called out as the nurse spun around to find John standing behind her.  
  
"People in glass houses" she snorted, pushing back a strand of hair behind her ear.  
  
"Pretty cold today, isn't it?" he smiled politely, trying his best to make small talk with the woman.  
  
"Go inside then, I'll shout you when the ambulance arrives"  
  
"You don't need to be bitter Abby.........."  
  
"What do you expect me to say then Carter?" she snapped in frustration, glaring angrily at the male doctor. He really was unbelievable at times. They hadn't talked properly in months, he rejected her by the lakeside and now he actually expected her to discuss the weather with him?  
  
"Did you get my message?" he finally asked, the hurt in his eyes quite clear for all to see.  
  
"Yeah I got it this morning" Abby nodded in reply, unsure of where this conversation was headed.  
  
"So where were you last night?"  
  
"What, are you keeping track of my nocturnal movements now?" she laughed lightly, raising the cigarette to her pale lips once more.  
  
"Were you out drinking?" he crossed his arms over his chest and moved coser.  
  
"Yes mother, I visited a few bars, had a couple of drinks, hired a few strippers....."  
  
"It was a simple question Abby" he replied in a tone of great displeasement.  
  
"More like a stupid question!" the woman protested in anger as droplets of rain fell from the dark clouds above. "What I do in my own time is really none of your business John!"  
  
"You need help Abby" Carter shook his head in realisation that this conversation wasn't quite turning out as he had planned it to.  
  
"Oh here we go again, I need help, I have a drinking problem. It's the same story over and over......."  
  
"I'm trying to help you here, it's for your benefit not mine"  
  
"Well I'm very grateful" she replied sarcastically, shivering slightly from the bitter weather.  
  
"Abby I'm trying to make you realise the extent of your problem. You have to admit to yourself that you're an alcoholic. I'm doing this because I care about you. I want you to be happy" he reached over to touch her arm but was angrily brushed away.  
  
"If that's true John you would stop treating me like a child and actually listen. I apreciate your concern but like I said earlier, I do not have a drinking problem"  
  
As the sirens wailed in the distance, Abby took one last look at the bewildered John before leaving for the safety of the hospital. Dropping her cigarette to the ground, she sprinted through the handful of puddles and back into the mergency department. Ignoring Susan's cries that Mr Richards in exam two needed another five of Haladol and Luka's upset stare, she paced through reception and pushed open the door to the staff lounge. Clumsily opening her locker, she searched through the metal cabinet with great determination until she came across the much desired object. A small bottle of vodka. Unscrewing the lid with much haste, Abby greedily devoured the contents, closing her eyes as the sweet liquid trickled down her throat slowly. She needed alcohol, it helped to calm her fears and nerves. It helped her to cope with the daily misery that plagued her life. And it was the only pasrt of her life she could seem to successfully control. Yet Abby Lockhart knew she didn't even have control over that anymore.........  
  
Author's Notes: Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, it's well appreciated, thank you!! But a note to anyone who thinks I am 'bashing' Luka or Carter, I'm not. I have nothing against these characters, I haven't decided if this will be a Carby or a Luby, it might not be any of the two. Abby has a lot of emotional baggage and this is her journey. Carter and Luka are involved in her story, the play important but different roles. I am in no way 'bashing' these men.  
  
So can Carter and Abby ever work out their differences? How will Abby and Luka cope with the morning after? Will Abby ever admit to needing help? Do you want another chapter, well please say, all reviews greatly appreciated!!! 


	5. Fear

The Unforgiven  
  
Chapter 5  
  
Fear  
  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own ER or any of the characters, it's just wishful thinking. Sorry haven't updated in ages, my workload at school has almost doubled so I only write when I find the time to. But sorry for the delay, and thanks to all who have read and reviewed this fic so far, your feedback is much appreciated. Anyway here's chapter 5 - enjoy!!  
  
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Stand back, brother take your hand back  
  
Love it and I might crack  
  
More than a smile or two you see  
  
Don't judge what you don't understand  
  
( Fear, by Disturbed )  
  
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She had never felt so sick in her entire life as she did at that precise moment in time. It wasn't like any other type of nausea she had experienced though, it felt different. Perhaps it was shock. Perhaps it was pain. Maybe it was a mixture of emotions. All she knew though was that every other individual standing around her would feel the exact same way.  
  
Abby glanced up from her view of the tiled floor below and stared straight into John's eyes. She couldn't just see the tears forming at the corners of his dark, empty eyes, she could feel the pain slicing through his heart. Everyone could. It just didn't seem possible, she couldn't quite believe what news John had just broke to every one of them. She didn't want to believe his words. Mark Greene, dead? Gone forever?  
  
"Post it on the notice board Frank" Carter almost choked on his tears before grabbing a chart and heading quickly towards the bathroom.  
  
Abby closely watched him stalk off into the distance, dumbstruck by the awful news she had just recieved. Surely it couldn't be true. Dr Greene, dead? He was the heart and soul of the department, the figure everyone admired and greatly respected. She had learned so much regarding medicine from him. He was a wonderful teacher and doctor, full of compassion and consideration for the people around him. And now he was gone forever?  
  
"Abby" a thick accent broke the nurse out of her thoughts as she turned around to discover Luka standing beside her.  
  
"Luka" she replied in shock, taken aback by his sudden precense.  
  
"Are you okay?" he asked after a brief pause of silence, studying the features of the woman ever so carefully.  
  
Abby stood silent for a moment, considering what exactly to say to the man. They had hardly spoken to each other in the weeks following their drunken night together. What was there to say? Should she try and explain that the night in question was simply nothing more than a drunken mistake? Apologise for running away in the early hours of the morning? Admit she needed help but was too stubborn and proud to ask for it?  
  
"I'm fine" she lied, grabbing a nearby chart and flipping through it's contents. "I better go start an IV on Mrs Henderson in curtain two, she's been waiting almost an hour now. Can't have County's good reputation ruined, eh?"  
  
"Abby....."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Never mind" he shook his head sadly before heading towards an exam room.  
  
"Great" she muttered softly under her breath, throwing the chart across the desk in a fit of angry petulance before storming off towards the bathroom, where she proceeded to vomit continuosly for what seemed to her like hours.  
  
*******  
  
Grabbing her long black coat and throwing it over her shoulders, she pushed the locker door shut with a violent slam. The entire day had been like a hideous nightmare for everyone. The news still hadn't entirely sunk in yet. Well not for Abby anyway. She knew he had been dying, knew he wouldn't be around for much longer. But it had all happened so quickly, so sudden. All day her mind had been occupied with memories of Dr Greene. her first day in the ER where he had kindly guided her around the department, the numerous patients she had treated alongside him, the support and teaching he continously gave her. The hospital had lost a wonderful doctor, the staff a dear friend, Elizabeth her beloved husband and Ella.....Ella had lost her father. With a deep sigh, Abby rubbed the temple of her forehead irritably as she gave a thought for the poor child who would grow up without her father in her life. No memories of him, no recollection of who he was. Abby knew only too well how difficult that would be.  
  
''Are you joining us for drinks? a thick accent startled her as the nurse spun around to discover Luka standing by the doorway of the room.  
  
''Uh.....yeah, maybe'' she hesitated, clutching her handbag tightly by her side in a bid to calm her trembling hands. It was exactly what she needed at the moment, a strong drink. 'Susan suggested 'The Lava Lounge', it's a themed bar so you can imagin..........''  
  
''Abby'' his voice sounded a little more demanding.  
  
''What?'' she finally looked at him straight in the eye, her hands trembling as she spoke.  
  
''We need to talk about that... night, we can't simply pretend nothing happened.......''  
  
''It was a mistake'' she finally found the courage to speak, creating a moment of silence between the two medics.  
  
''A mistake?'' the Croatian doctor was taken aback by her outburst.  
  
Nice going Lockhart, the nurse pressed her lips together in frustration. Lovely way with words.  
  
''No...I....I was drunk okay? And upset. I needed comfort and...''  
  
''So you used me?'' Luka questioned her motives, folding his arms and leaning against his own locker.  
  
''No...I......you're not making this easy for me!''  
  
''Do you think this is easy for me?'' he spat, glaring at the nurse angrily, the dim light from the windows creating dark shadows under the man's eyes. ''I care about you Abby, surely you must realise that. I thought you wanted to be with me and now you are telling me you regret it?''  
  
''Luka we've been in this position before'' she spoke quielty, glancing away from his dark, accusing eyes. ''It ddin't work out between us, why should it now? I do care for you but not in the way you deserve to be loved''  
  
''So once again you only came to me for sex'' he replied bitterly, the words creating a cold atmosphere in the room.  
  
''That's not fair'' she snapped back angrily, hurt by the man's callous words. ''I loved you....''  
  
''Except you loved Carter more''  
  
Abby took a stumbling step back in shock as the words stung her, slicing through her heart like a sharp knife.  
  
''Excuse me?'' she questioned his last sentence, feeling a surge of rage travel through every vein in her body.  
  
''I never stood a chance when he was around'' his voice cold and distant. ''Two's company, three's a crowd so to speak. It was always him you turned to for help, never me''  
  
''You were never there''  
  
There she had said it. Might as well give the doctor a taste of his own medicine.  
  
''You never allowed me to be there''  
  
Abby exhaled heavily and leaned against her own locker for support, a wave of strong dizziness passing over the nurse.  
  
''I tried to be there, tried to help'' Luka continued as she tried her very best to ignore th sudden dizziness and sense of overwhelming nausea. ''Every time I reached out you would pull back. Do you have any idea how frustrated and confused I felt?''  
  
''Yes I do'' she answered before taking a deep breath. ''You kept your distance as well Luka. I tried to understand your problems, tried to understand your past, but how could I when you would rather confide in a dying bishop than your partner''  
  
''And you confided in Carter instead of me!''  
  
''He understood'' Abby shouted rather fiercely, her temper rising with every minute that passed. ''When Maggie locked herself in a motel room in Oklahoma, Carter didn't just give me support, he understood. I needed comfort and companionship, not medical jargon. We've shared similar experiences, he knows what to say or do''  
  
''So because I don't have a drinking or a drug dependency problem, I can't understand you?''  
  
''And because I'm not your dead wife I can't understand you'' she shot back, realising why the pair could never ever be proper friends again. Too much water had passed under the bridge now, too much had been said in the last couple of minutes.  
  
''So for what reasons did we stay together for so long?'' the male doctor asked sadly, his eyes tinged with hurt falling to the ground. ''The sex?''  
  
''Luka, I'm sor.....'' she began to speak before Luka's hands moved swiftly towards the handle of the wooden door.  
  
''That's what you always say Abby'' he interrupted, throwing open the stiff door and hastily making an exit.  
  
In an act of sheer frustration, the female nurse punched the door of her locker and slumped to the cold, tiled floor in grief. Nursing her bruised knuckles, she held her head in her hands as yet another wave of nausea passed over the upset woman. Raising a hand to her mouth, she ignored the lurch of dizziness and sprinted over to the nearby sink, where she proceeded to vomit continously for what seemed like hours.  
  
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Author's Notes: So with such revelations between Abby and Luka, what lies in store for the arguing pair? How will this effect her relationship with Carter? How will the staff cope after Mark's death? And what is causing Abby's recent sickness? Do you want another chapter?? If so tell me, please review, all feedback greatly appreciated!!! 


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